So, the old blog has been silent for over a year now. So much has happened, a lot of it good and some not so good, the main reason the old blog has been silent, is because life hit hard and I needed to deal with it. This has been a season of intense isolation and wilderness, which has caused me to lean on my Father God, like never before and really, what better place it there to be. When you are isolated and walking in the wilderness, it is hard to write and be funny and upbeat and let’s face it, who wants to read a blog that is full of woe and sadness. So, that is why I took an unplanned break.
When I think back over this past year, I remember the very intense, very personal and private pain that I truly felt I could share with no one but my Father God. Not to be a downer but the honest truth is that the only appropriate word that would sum up the last year for me would be “loss.”
As the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, I realized this was not just a fight for my sanity but for my existence. I kept moving forward...seeking and trusting the Lord for every unknown, unfamiliar step I took. Because what IS known is, that Jesus is the same...yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is my trusted Savior...my King, my Best Friend, my Jesus. He was always whispering to me “My Princess you are never alone. I am the friend that walks in when the world walks out.” “And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:20 What a comfort that is to always know. We are NEVER alone, even when we feel the most alone.
I have been very private with this because honestly, while most people are genuinely concerned for my well-being, there are those this past year who have scrutinized my life. There are also those who have tried to gain details and information regarding my situation, not out of love or concern, but as a means to appease their own curiosity or to gossip. I understand people are going to have an opinion--good or bad--about my life and the way I live it and that is fine. However, please remember...this is MY life and you are only seeing just a tiny part of the picture…not the whole picture itself. Not that I feel I owe anyone answers for my life but let’s face it people talk and talk turns to gossip and I do no know anyone, unless you are a Hollywood star that likes gossip and that is only because it keeps them on the front page. Personally, I will take the back page any day, thank you very much.
Have all the choices I have made in the last year been the right ones? Heavens no. Will I make wrong choices again? Most certainly, as I am human. However, I have made the best decisions that I knew how to make, as a single gal alone, trying to take care of my mother’s needs and myself. Period.
Ever since my divorce, which yes, has been several years ago now, I have struggled with feeling unlovable and undesirable. Not worth fighting for. Not enough. Discarded. Replaceable and not keep-able. These feelings have never been more real to me than in the last year, which is strange considering I truly thought I was past all the ugliness of my divorce. Unfortunately, I was burying all my feelings for such along time and not dealing with them. My motto of put on a happy face and never let the world know you are crying, finally caught up with me and the anxiety and depression was not something I expected this last year.
Maybe it was mother almost dying and the emotions that came from that. Or having to put her in rehab, never knowing or believing I would get to bring her home again. I don’t’ know the rhyme or reason; I just know that this last year, hit hard and it was not fun times.
I will never again be what I once was. I am not the naïve young girl that thinks if you live a good life that only good things happen to you. I am no longer the naïve young girl who believes in happily ever after, at least not here on earth. Not so my friend. There is absolutely nothing biblical about that comment. Our life on earth is not promised to be happy and go lucky, at least not all the time. The prize that we are to look toward is not here on earth but in our heavenly home. I love how James 4:14 reads “…you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” I have seen some pastors demonstrate this with the mere puff an aerosol can and when you realize that, our life here on this earth is really no more than a puff of smoke that is pretty dang amazing.
So, I embrace that I am not what I once was and never will be again. This Lyndy is now more dependent on God, more aware of the hurts of others, and more aware than ever of how powerful the grace of God is. She is a much different Lyndy Ledford and I kinda like her.
This Lyndy is choosing today to let Him do the heavy lifting. He is “God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.” I have walked a road that I never, ever saw coming and I will never forget how it all felt. But bless God; I am coming out of the wilderness ready to tell others just how awesome God is to those who love Him!!
I have learned so much about loss, grief, pride, humility, and God's character through this last year and as tough as it has been I would not trade it for all the money in the world.
Oh and I have some GREAT news!!! As of Friday, 15 long months after Mother first went into the hospital, she is now home with me and we are so pleased and so blessed. Yes, God is good but you know, even if she had died that day, or just never got well enough to come home, God would still be good. Believe it.
When I think back over this past year, I remember the very intense, very personal and private pain that I truly felt I could share with no one but my Father God. Not to be a downer but the honest truth is that the only appropriate word that would sum up the last year for me would be “loss.”
As the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, I realized this was not just a fight for my sanity but for my existence. I kept moving forward...seeking and trusting the Lord for every unknown, unfamiliar step I took. Because what IS known is, that Jesus is the same...yesterday, today and tomorrow. He is my trusted Savior...my King, my Best Friend, my Jesus. He was always whispering to me “My Princess you are never alone. I am the friend that walks in when the world walks out.” “And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:20 What a comfort that is to always know. We are NEVER alone, even when we feel the most alone.
I have been very private with this because honestly, while most people are genuinely concerned for my well-being, there are those this past year who have scrutinized my life. There are also those who have tried to gain details and information regarding my situation, not out of love or concern, but as a means to appease their own curiosity or to gossip. I understand people are going to have an opinion--good or bad--about my life and the way I live it and that is fine. However, please remember...this is MY life and you are only seeing just a tiny part of the picture…not the whole picture itself. Not that I feel I owe anyone answers for my life but let’s face it people talk and talk turns to gossip and I do no know anyone, unless you are a Hollywood star that likes gossip and that is only because it keeps them on the front page. Personally, I will take the back page any day, thank you very much.
Have all the choices I have made in the last year been the right ones? Heavens no. Will I make wrong choices again? Most certainly, as I am human. However, I have made the best decisions that I knew how to make, as a single gal alone, trying to take care of my mother’s needs and myself. Period.
Ever since my divorce, which yes, has been several years ago now, I have struggled with feeling unlovable and undesirable. Not worth fighting for. Not enough. Discarded. Replaceable and not keep-able. These feelings have never been more real to me than in the last year, which is strange considering I truly thought I was past all the ugliness of my divorce. Unfortunately, I was burying all my feelings for such along time and not dealing with them. My motto of put on a happy face and never let the world know you are crying, finally caught up with me and the anxiety and depression was not something I expected this last year.
Maybe it was mother almost dying and the emotions that came from that. Or having to put her in rehab, never knowing or believing I would get to bring her home again. I don’t’ know the rhyme or reason; I just know that this last year, hit hard and it was not fun times.
I will never again be what I once was. I am not the naïve young girl that thinks if you live a good life that only good things happen to you. I am no longer the naïve young girl who believes in happily ever after, at least not here on earth. Not so my friend. There is absolutely nothing biblical about that comment. Our life on earth is not promised to be happy and go lucky, at least not all the time. The prize that we are to look toward is not here on earth but in our heavenly home. I love how James 4:14 reads “…you are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.” I have seen some pastors demonstrate this with the mere puff an aerosol can and when you realize that, our life here on this earth is really no more than a puff of smoke that is pretty dang amazing.
So, I embrace that I am not what I once was and never will be again. This Lyndy is now more dependent on God, more aware of the hurts of others, and more aware than ever of how powerful the grace of God is. She is a much different Lyndy Ledford and I kinda like her.
This Lyndy is choosing today to let Him do the heavy lifting. He is “God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.” I have walked a road that I never, ever saw coming and I will never forget how it all felt. But bless God; I am coming out of the wilderness ready to tell others just how awesome God is to those who love Him!!
I have learned so much about loss, grief, pride, humility, and God's character through this last year and as tough as it has been I would not trade it for all the money in the world.
Oh and I have some GREAT news!!! As of Friday, 15 long months after Mother first went into the hospital, she is now home with me and we are so pleased and so blessed. Yes, God is good but you know, even if she had died that day, or just never got well enough to come home, God would still be good. Believe it.
2 comments:
Hello Lyndy! I love reading your thoughts. :o) NObody can even begin to truly understand why anyone else would do this or that until they have lived in their exact shoes.
YOU are doing awesome and I am SO glad that your Mother has come home. PTL! What a blessing.
I hope that your spring just keeps getting better and better.
Hi Lyndy - thanks for visiting my blog and your comments about my article "A Fleeting Moment". Those words in James are so true.
I read in your bio that you are a cancer survivor. My husband is also - it will be seventeen years this November.
Hope you have a blessed day! Good news about your mother.
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